Write a Letter, Win a Custom Blog Header

Anti-Barbie is currently running a contest. All you have to do is write a letter to her fictional advice columnist and the one she likes best will win a custom blog header. Of course, I couldn't pass this one up, so here's my entry:

Dear Shabby,

I have an unusual problem and I hope you can help.

After work a few days ago I was driving to my home, way out in the country when I encountered a herd of cattle crossing the road. I waited patiently for what seemed like forever, then got out to see if I could somehow hurry them along. Unfortunately, I managed to spook the cows, who then stampeded over my car as if it were a speed bump. Of course, by the time they were cleared out, I found that the car wouldn’t start.

You would think I’d be asking about car repair, but I’m not.

I had left my cell phone at home on the charger, so I wandered up to the nearest house I could spot. It was quite a ways off and I had to climb over the broken fence the cows had come through to get there. So distressed was I by my situation, that I neglected to keep an eye out for cow droppings. My foot hit a big pile and I slipped and fell flat on my butt, covering my business suit in some of the finest fertilizer nature has ever made.

You would think I’d be asking about how to get manure out of dry cleaning, but I’m not.

When I managed to pick myself up and brush/wipe the biggest clumps off, I continued my journey across the field when I heard a commotion coming from the other side of the house. I broke into a run and made it around the corner just in time to see a couple of men beating up a defenseless farmer. I couldn’t just leave him to his fate, so I got the thugs’ attention and they immediately turned and came after me, saying something about “no witnesses.”

You would think I would be asking about self defense classes, but I’m not.

As I was defending the poor, helpless farmer by taking multiple kicks and punches all over my dung-covered body, I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the house. Apparently that startled my attackers enough to convince them to flee. As my vision began fading out, I looked up to see the farmer’s wife standing over me with a shotgun in her hand and a concerned look on her face. “Now don’t you worry, I’ll get you all fixed up,” was the thing I heard before drifting into unconsciousness.

You would think I would be asking about how to repay someone for saving my life, but I’m not.

When I finally came to, I found myself tied to a chair in the middle of an otherwise empty barn with a gag in my mouth. The noise that had awakened me apparently was one of the barn doors opening, as soon the farmer’s wife came into view again. “What are you doing on my property?” she demanded. When I could only give her a confused grunt, she went on, “You’re that tramp my Fred’s been seeing behind my back, aren’t you? I don’t know about wherever you’re from, but we don’t tolerate sleeping with other women’s husbands around here missy.”

You would think I’d be asking about how to prove my innocence, but I’m not.

She removed the gag and I denied the charges against me vehemently, but she insisted that I would not be leaving this barn until her husband woke up. Seems he was still knocked out from his attack. “I’ll know as soon as he sees you, and you’d better hope you’re not lying to me,” she told me. She seemed like she wanted to believe me and for the next couple of days she treated me better than I had expected, cooking for me and tending to my scrapes and bruises, all the while giving me reports on Fred’s progress. On the second evening, she reported that he was looking well enough that she’d be bringing him to the barn in the morning. That morning, she helped him limp out to the barn and opened the door so he could see me. I must’ve looked a fright, and he certainly didn’t recognize me at all, so she took him back to the house and came and untied me.

You would think I’d be asking about how to press charges for kidnapping, but I’m not.

“Now I hope there won’t be any hard feelings,” she stammered as she let me go. I assured her that I wanted nothing more than to put this whole incident behind me, and asked if my car had been towed out of the road yet. She said she had seen a tow truck come a few hours after my attack, and she had written down the name and number of the towing company in case the car was mine. She took me into the house and let me get myself cleaned up as well as I could. Then she handed me a slip of paper and pointed me to the phone while she started to make breakfast.

You would think I’d be asking about how to get my car back, but I’m not.

A few hours and a plate of the best pancakes I had ever eaten later, I had finally gotten things straightened out with the towing company and the local police. In exchange for her paying for my car repairs (apparently it wasn’t totaled in the stampede) I was just telling everyone that I had been unconscious this whole time and she had nursed me back to health. I was ok with that. As I said, I just wanted to put it all behind me. While I was waiting for a friend to come drive me home, we got to chatting and I found out that she was actually my boss’ sister. The thugs who had beaten me so badly were collecting on an “unpaid insurance policy” that her brother had given her the money to cover. Unfortunately, she had been angry at her husband for his affair (she still doesn’t know who the girl is) so she had spent the money on herself with a day at the spa, figuring they’d just rough him up a bit and leave. She begged me not to tell her brother that she had misspent his money, and I agreed as I was feeling quite glad that this whole incident was almost over.

You would think I’d be asking about how to convince someone to seek help from the police when they really need it, but I’m not.

My question is, how do I explain to my boss the three days I missed of work and why I didn’t call, without letting my kidnapper’s secret out?

Bruised and Baffled in Yoder, KS

38 Questions

Got this one from Jayne of "A Light in the Dark"

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?

Grumpamoose. He almost always does.

2. What were you doing at 0800?

Umm... I was on the internet. Where I always am. Probably, I was either checking email or working on my blog.

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

See above.

4. What happened to you in 2006?

Hmm... Bunches of stuff. New house. (or was that 2005? I need more coffee) Pet stuff. Unemployed (intentionally). Russia. Probably a whole lot more really, but I can hardly remember last week, let alone last year!

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?

"Get in this house right now!" (Donovan has a habit of wanting to play "you can't catch me" in the morning)

6. How many beverages did you have today?

Still working on my first cuppa.

7. What color is your hairbrush?

silver and white

8. What was the last thing you paid for?

My lunch on Friday. Grump gets to do all the paying on the weekends.

9. Where were you last night?

See question #2. Actually, last night I went to church. But after that, see question #2.

10. What color is your front door?

Kind of a dusty teal.

11. Where do you keep your change?

In my wallet or in a clay flower pot in the kitchen.

12. What’s the weather like today?

I donno -- let's see... According to the weather channel, it's sunny and 66. Sounds about right. I concur.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?

Best? There is no best! They're all yummy!!! If I had to choose one, I guess it would be Cherry Garcia from Ben & Jerry's. But really, I like variety and it depends on my mood.

14. What excites you?

Lots of stuff really. I guess number one right now would be hearing all the good news coming from my friends in Russia.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?

Yes. Perpetually it seems. I don't ever want it to be short, but it grows sooo fast!

16. Are you over the age of 25?

Yup. But not by too much.

17. Do you talk a lot?

Not really. Most people say I don't talk enough.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?

The what? Just kidding. I know that the OC is a tv show, but I couldn't honestly tell you what it's about or name any of the characters. I just don't watch much tv.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?

Hmm... I bet I do, but I can't think of anyone right now.

20. Do you make up your own words?

Regularly.

21. Are you a jealous person?

I try not to be, and I usually succeed.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘E’.

I don't honestly think I have any friends who start with E.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘R’.

Does my boss qualify? Her name's Rhonda. If not, I'd have to go with Rodney, though I haven't seen or talked to him since Russia.

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?

Rhonda.

25. What does the last text message you received say?

Text messages? I don't do text messages. Phones are for making calls. Computers are for typing messages. Never the two should meet.

26. Do you chew on your straw?

Not usually.

27. Do you have curly hair?

Nope.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?

Work.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?

Prolly Grump. Sorry honey, I just don't hang out with that many rude people.

30. What was the last thing you ate?

Working on a bowl of oatmeal with strawberries right now.

31. Will you get married in the future?

Umm... I AM married. So, unless something tragic happens to Grump, that'd be a no.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?

Stranger Than Fiction (for the third time -- I'm not a Will Ferrell fan, but I LOVE that movie!)

33. Is there anyone you like right now?

Umm... yeah. I like most people. Easy to please, that's me.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?

Ick.

35. Are you currently depressed?

I plead the 5th. I don't like to talk about that because it's not what most people assume it is.

36. Did you cry today?

Nope. I'm not big on the crying.

37. Why did you answer and post this?

Hmm... Cause Jayne posted it and I figured I'd give it a go.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.

The first five people who read this and think it's interesting enough to add to their own blog. (Please link back folks)

Free Advertising: 1000boxs.com

Thanks to Zybron, I have found a great new advertising site: 1000boxs.com Marius Akselsen has started a site that will eventually simply be a bank of 1000 colored boxes. When you click on any box, you get an ad for a website or blog. The cool thing is that the site is still in its infancy. While eventually these boxes will sell for $100 a pop, right now the first 100 are being offered for free (one per person please). That's right, free. And who doesn't need free advertising for their blog or website?

Mystery Topic Challenge

Well, I've decided I'm going to take part in the upcoming Mystery Topic Challenge #4. It sounds like a great idea to me. Here's how it works: (taken from the MTC forum)

HOW IT WORKS:

A forum thread is opened for signups, for people to participate. Ideally we'd like new folks to the challenge to register to the forum, but that isn't necessary. Currently (and this will remain as long as it isn't abused) guests are allowed to sign up for challenges.

The signup thread will remain open for five (5) days. Participants are asked to write a short announcement on their blogs in case any of their readers and lurkers would like to participate.

At the end of five days, the Mystery Topic will be announced by the previous winner. As of now, the winner of the last challenge can choose to participate, or they can sit out the challenge. If the previous winner does write a post, he/she will not be eligible for voting. This is to ensure that everyone will get to choose a topic at some point. If this doesn't work, we might change this to someone volunteering for thinking up the next topic.

Once the topic is announced, everyone will have five days to write their post. On the fifth day, everyone will post on the same day and go to the signup thread to post the direct URLs of their challenge entries. At that time a poll will go up and voting will remain open for 5 days. At the end of 5 days a winner will be announced and they will get a nifty graphical award to "pin" to their sidebar.

So, if that sounds like fun to you, hop on over to the forums and give it a try. Sign-ups for this challenge began 10/30. The topic will be posted on 11/6 and we'll all be posting our responses on 11/11 (so watch this space!).

EDIT: Sorry -- that'd be 11/13, not 11/11.

BlogRush

You may notice a new widget on the sidebar called BlogRush. I've been using them for a little while with my gaming blog, and have been happy with their service thus far so I've decided to move them over here too. The idea is simple. You post the widget on your blog. It links to five posts from other blogs that fall into the same category as your own. When someone clicks through those links you earn credits to have your links posted on the widgets of other bloggers. BlogRush is still just getting started and they've added several features lately, and announced several others that will be forthcoming. Since BlogExplosion seems to no longer be functioning properly, why not give BlogRush a try?